Safe Sex To the Virginia Department of Education:

It's been verified. Teenagers are finally listening to that slogan you've been promoting for who knows how many years: "Abstinence is the only safe sex." Here are some of the statisitics I've dug up and am willing to share with you:

This past week (from September 11-15--so, not even a week), five couples were caught engaging in oral sex in various bathrooms around the high school where I work. Not intercourse--that evil act that produces those small, crying pieces of flesh, no, no, no--but oral sex--the messy-for-one-but-not-the-other, less intimate, easier-to-hide act. See, kids are finally responding! And, what adds to the flavor of all this flava is that there was nearly equal representation from both homo- and heterosexual couples. Here's the breakdown:

Couple #1
Girl on girl action in bathroom stall. Pants around ankles and skirt flying high.

Couple #2
Boy gets bj from girl on bus.

Part of Couple #2 Creating Couple #3
Same girl orally sexifies another girl in cafeteria bathroom.
*She must really understand the importance of abstinence.

Couple #4
Girl goes down on another girl on bus two days later.
*D-oh! Homos are winning. Come on, heteros...lame-os.

Couple #5
Boy (who is one of my students) gets bj from two girls in boys bathroom.

Ladies and gentlemen of the VA DOE, this is quite clearly the best evidence you will ever get your clean, abstained hands on that proves your slogan is producing the right results. However--although I don't want to dampen any part of your victory--I feel I must point out that there aren't nearly enough boys giving oral delights to girls. Please produce a video to rectify this situation.

CONCLUSION
Find an alternative to abstinence.
Put kleenex dispensers in bathrooms.  ¶ 3:00 PM