Did you know that... A few friends and I were driving through the O.C. this weekend, listening and singing to some crappy songs from the late 90s (e.g., "You Steal My Sunshine"), rolling the windows up and down to create that weird vibrating sensation/sound that I personally find annoying (alas, the others did not), enjoying the change of seasons, and anticipating a picnic in a vineyard. The Very Pretty Route we were traveling on is quite curvy and hilly, and you can speed up as you go over the hills and get that roller coaster ride feeling...

We did that. Several times. I was drunk. After one really big hill, Brunklebrains turns to me and says, "When I was little, my mom said that I used to call those penis ticklers." I didn't think I heard him correctly (prolly cuz the windows were making that f'in sound), so I said, "huh?" He repeated, and I gave him a confused look. I asked, why penis tickler? He told me, that's where you feel it. I said, NO NO NO you don't. I feel it in my stomach. Eureka! Brunklebrains and I discovered yet another difference between the sexes.

I'm pissed. Yet another WIN for the mens. God, when will it stop?

CONCLUSION:
Yet to be determined.  ¶ 7:01 PM 0 comments

  "His Grandmother Died, So I Felt Bad..." Recently, I had dinner with a best friend from high school who just moved here to attend grad school. We have one of those great relationships where you pick up right where you left off... But, we talk about things differently now because we have all these new--some eye opening, some eye gouging--experiences. Take sex as an example: we are both more experienced now, meaning that, because we both had nothing close to a sex life in high school, we didn't talk much about sex. Well, that's not true. We talked about sex, but only what we could gather from Cosmo. Now, we can talk about sex in a more grounded way. So, we were talking about relationships and guys v. girls and (surprise!) sex. Daisy (HS friend) rattles off a list of guys she's been interested in or hooking up with for the past month...and it's like 7 names. I say stuff like, Good for you, and, Way to keep up the juggle!, and, You are fitting in well with the dating mentality here, and, You little whore. Then--because I'm supporting and encouraging her casual sex life--she confides in me that she was hooking up with Dude No. 3 until one night, while silly drunk, he declared his love for her. Like a sensitive human being who cares about the emotions of others, she told him that she wasn't into him like that and broke it off... for one week ...until his grandmother died. And, like a sensitve human being who cares about the emotions of others, she took him back into her room and comforted him.

CONCLUSION:
Be senstive. Consider pity sex.

DISCLAIMER:
The next few posts will not be about sex. Promise.  ¶ 6:24 PM 0 comments

  Update to Safe Sex Girl Who Gave BJ To Boy On Bus also oral sexified another girl during the same bus ride, bringing her total number of oral sex acts in one day to THREE! Since this girl may have overdone it with the behaviors she exhibited, an administrator has to write her up. The write up includes such questions as:

1. Provide specific details of the behavior exhibited.
2. What triggered the behavior?
3. What happened right after the student exhibited the behavior?

Filling out THAT sheet would make any person's day...  ¶ 3:51 PM 1 comments

  Safe Sex To the Virginia Department of Education:

It's been verified. Teenagers are finally listening to that slogan you've been promoting for who knows how many years: "Abstinence is the only safe sex." Here are some of the statisitics I've dug up and am willing to share with you:

This past week (from September 11-15--so, not even a week), five couples were caught engaging in oral sex in various bathrooms around the high school where I work. Not intercourse--that evil act that produces those small, crying pieces of flesh, no, no, no--but oral sex--the messy-for-one-but-not-the-other, less intimate, easier-to-hide act. See, kids are finally responding! And, what adds to the flavor of all this flava is that there was nearly equal representation from both homo- and heterosexual couples. Here's the breakdown:

Couple #1
Girl on girl action in bathroom stall. Pants around ankles and skirt flying high.

Couple #2
Boy gets bj from girl on bus.

Part of Couple #2 Creating Couple #3
Same girl orally sexifies another girl in cafeteria bathroom.
*She must really understand the importance of abstinence.

Couple #4
Girl goes down on another girl on bus two days later.
*D-oh! Homos are winning. Come on, heteros...lame-os.

Couple #5
Boy (who is one of my students) gets bj from two girls in boys bathroom.

Ladies and gentlemen of the VA DOE, this is quite clearly the best evidence you will ever get your clean, abstained hands on that proves your slogan is producing the right results. However--although I don't want to dampen any part of your victory--I feel I must point out that there aren't nearly enough boys giving oral delights to girls. Please produce a video to rectify this situation.

CONCLUSION
Find an alternative to abstinence.
Put kleenex dispensers in bathrooms.  ¶ 3:00 PM 0 comments

  "Sauce" Since teaching in a high school for the past month, it has become blaringly apparent (sometimes like acid thrown in my face) that I am no longer hip. I've been able to pull off style quite successfully in the past, but lately I've become self-conscious about all this mumbo-jumbo. And this mumbo-jumbo didn't mean much to me until, all of a sudden, I started feeling old. Not really in the sense that I can't drink three beers without having a hangover the next morning (truth), or that I can't run 8 miles anymore (lie--I never could), but
...old in the sense that I will take the time to put on the breaks and roll down my window to shout at the kid who just rode his bike down a hill and into the street without looking. I mean, he probably looked. He probably anticipated that he would cross the street in front of me before I'd come within 20 feet of hitting him because he probably has better eyesight than me.
...old in the sense that I've started shopping at Ann Taylor Loft, where they have like 20 styles of the most basic colors of pants.
...old in the sense that waking up after 9am is unimaginable.
...old in the sense that I have hips (unlike most of the highschool girls I see everyday) but I am not hip.
...old in the sense that I don't know the lingo that blends you into any hip crowd.
(Even the word "old" is becoming old.)

A particular situation comes to mind...

I am teaching some kids how to make a budget and instructing them to title their project. One kid asks, "Can I just name mine "'sauce?'" I look at him...I look at him with a deep stare of deep confusion. I reply, "Glenwood, the title of your project should reflect its content. Unless...'sauce' means money?" Glenwood immediately lifts his head out of a deep boredom and actually smiles (because he's a guy, and guys in high school feel that smiling lessens their manhood or something), and they all start snickering. Student With ADHD For Real says, "Ms. C, I am dissappointed in you." Student Who Got Pinned Down In My Classroom by the Resource Officer asks, "Man, when'd you graduate high school? I fuckin' hate this school!" Glenwood tells me, "'Sauce' don't mean 'money.' It's like, you know, 'sauce,' like, 'that's sauce.'"

Although I didn't care that I didn't know (and even now can only infer that 'sauce' means 'cool'), I felt a tinge of disappointment that I wasn't hip to the cool of high school anymore. Not that it was ever that cool, but I bet most of us clung to a version of it, or tried to mimic it, or fantasized about redefining cool to include our likes and interests. I mean, someone fantasized about making "sauce" part of a highschooler's common language. Somehow he or she made that happen. So...

CONCLUSION
What's old: Sauce as a noun used to describe that liquid which you pour over pasta (etc.).
What's hip: Sauce as an adjective that may or may not mean "cool."  ¶ 7:30 PM 1 comments